Birthdays
by AllTimeNatalie
Summary: Howard attempts to throw a suprise party for Vince. He buys Vince a present, little does he know Vince is watching.It isn't what Vinc ecspects when it comes to the party. Will the party be a hit or a miss? Will the present be a dream gift?


DISCLAIMER: I own no rights to The Mighty Boosh or anyone in it. However, I am willing to look after Noel if he wishes, or anyone else from Boosh. Oh and I own no phrases from Boosh or names and so on… or Wesley Snipes who is mentioned somewhere!!!!

PLOT: It's Vince's birthday and he wants a surprise party with everyone and anyone there. When Howard goes birthday shopping, he has no idea what to buy him. He employs the help of Naboo, Bollo, Tony and Saboo, which back fires. As they all want to buy him different thing, an argument erupts in the middle of Dorothy Perkins. Luckily, the shop is almost empty however an old woman named Elsey gets involved. When they all get escorted out, Howard thinks it would be best to go shopping alone. When he sees the perfect gift, he doesn't realise Vince is spying on him to make sure he gets what he wants. Vince leaves the shop, expecting a dream gift. Will the gift live up to Vince's expectations and will he get his surprise party?

NAME: Birthdays

**Mighty Boosh _ Mighty Boosh _ Mighty Boosh**

It was Monday morning and the sun was shining as usual. Vince was stood in front of the mirror, trying on a range of different outfits. It took Vince about three or four to get dressed and do his hair in a morning. It took Howard about three or four minutes to get ready in a morning. While Vince checked himself out in his room, Howard was working on the 'T.V Quick' crossword he had been progressing on since last Monday. Yes, that is correct. It took him a week to do an easy crossword which people do in their lunch break at work and it still wasn't finished.

"Hmmm, a five letter word for belly button. Navel, Vince, you nearly finished?"

"No! I can't find my Nicky Clarke straightners. Have you used 'em?"

"Vince, what would I want with straighteners? Besides have you seen my Global explorer magazine, volume six? No didn't think so." Howard was very protective of his Global Explorer magazines. According to him, there were pictures in there that could change you're life. Vince wasn't so protective. He subscribed to Cheekbone not Global Explorer. It was Vince's birthday on Saturday and Howard was finding it difficult to track down the perfect gift. He had visited HMV, but the only thing that lived up to his expectations was "Jazz reloaded" and "Glen Miller… the ultimate collection." Both of which Howard did purchase. Unfortunately, Vince was more into Gary Numan and electro pop than jazz. Howard was always one for getting side tracked, so he needed someone to assist him in his shopping. Who better than Naboo, Bolo and Saboo? There were many people who would have been more helpful to be honest but they were the only ones at hand.

"Ok, now where should we go first? I've got my pen, check, money, check, car keys, check and multi purpose tweed utility suit on… checkeroo."

"Why do you need that stupid suit on you berk? If you could only see how much of an idiot you look you cleft. Furthermore, I am embarrassed to be seen with all of you, especially that pink twit!"

"This is an outrage, _I_ am fully equipped with a papoose, I slot in the back. I can wheel over you're foot, I'm like a crazy kinder egg just smarter. More handsome too."

"You wish. Anyway, I say we go to Dorothy Perkins." Saboo nodded violently. "Furthermore, I say we leave this knob at home." Saboo was talking about Tony Harrison. He and Tony had never been best friends, even though they'd known one another for years. Hundreds of years, ever since they joined the Board of Shaman. It wasn't their fault, they just didn't click. Some people get along and some people clash.

"Dorothy Perkins? Dorothy Perkins? Are you goin crazy? What the hell do you want to go to that ponsey shop for?" Tony's voice was filled with disgust.

"How dare you! You, you roll up and down on that wheel of yours, thinkin you're the queen of Sheba. Well you're not and you know why? Because you… have never….been…to the crunch. Never! So there" Once again, Saboo's love of the crunch reared it's ugly head.

"Alright fine we'll go to Dorothy Perkins. I…I'm gonna go and tell Kirk to record that film that's on the telly. I'll be back soon." Giving in, Tony sighed.

"We'll try not to miss you. Trust me it won't be hard." Tony went to find Kirk, Saboo went to find his flying carpet, seats 10, Naboo was mixing potions and Bollo was stirring Naboo's cauldron. A painstakingly long hour had passed for Howard and everyone had met up outside the Nabootique, ready and raring to go.

"Right okay now lo… what's this? Howard Moon – former male prostitute. You have to be joking. I am not a former male prostitute! Vince." Howard's voice got louder and louder until he was practically shouting out to the universe that he wasn't a former male prostitute. Which everyone already knew…obviously. He had thought Vince had stopped doing this, stopped spraying graffiti the shop but no, he couldn't do this one thing for him. Vince was lazy, very lazy. Howard was the one who filled the shelves, did the shopping and looked after paper clip central! When the group arrived at Dorothy Perkins, Saboo spotted the best gift ever.

"What about this; it's a clock…that boys late for everything ha-ha-ha I crack myself up." Saboo followed the group to the clothes and shoes section of the establishment. It was there that the fight broke out. "Look old lady, this is our t shirt. Get off…can't you see I'm a Shaman?" Saboo put his hands on his hips and raised his eyebrow.

"How dare you, I am a sixty eight year old named Elsey. I am the Elsey Smitherine."

"Oh yeah, what does an oldie want with this t shirt?" Elsey walked up to Saboo and hit him with her handbag, Saboo hit back.

"Have you ever heard of the crunch? That was you're first slice of crunch…I'll bury you with the crunch. Oh yeah, I hit you with the crunch and I'll do it again…there, I hit you again? Have you ever even been to the crunch?" Elsey looked at him.

"Yes, I have. I've been twice."

"This is an outraaaggggeeeeeeeeeeee, here we go…the crunch again. I'm leavin, I'll see ya at home." As Tony left the building, the fight continued.

"I've been three times." Elsey fought back with more verbal abuse and a little physical abuse as Saboo ran and hid behind Howard.

"Excuse me, I am getting a lot of complaints about you lot…could you please exit the establishment to prevent further upset?" As Naboo looked around ant then at the shop owner, tumbleweeds passed and crickets whistled.

"There's no one here!"

"Bollo got a bad feelin about this…"

"John, Edward!" Two body guards emerged from the door and threw them out on to the street. The next day Howard went shopping on his own, to avoid arguments and fights between Shamans and old ladies. He walked into Peacocks and saw the perfect gift. He didn't realise that Vince was watching from a café and saw his gift.

"Now I know what I'm getting, no point hangin round here. I have got a date with NME, the limited edition comes with free holographic stickers.

"Excuse me, how much is this?" Howard handed the cashier a cashmere jumper and got his wallet out.

"That's £10.00 please."

Everything was going so smoothly until…"Oh my word, £10.00 for a brown piece of SH…" Saboo interrupted and told Tony to shut up before he used him as a tennis ball and hit him all the way to the crunch.

Howard handed her the money and quickly fled the shop. He was more worried about the party. He was rubbish at parties, he never got invited to them. He always started to freak out, last time he wore a male corset courtesy of Lester Corncrake and look where that got him.

" Oh Saboo, are we nearly home? This is an outrage, I'm missin yoga with Mrs Harrison for you, you stupid bumbakla. Actually…I feel a little bit sick. I do suffer from motion sickness ya know. You should see me on horses it's even worse and when me and Mrs Harrison went to Calais it was a night…"

"Yes, yes Tony we know the story. It was a nightmare, you were on the deck the whole time."

"At least I'm not talking about the crunch." Tony closed his eyes and pictured a nice holiday destination. It failed as he threw up on the ground when they finally arrived at the shop.

"Tony, you've been sick outside our shop. Clean it up ya ball bag or I'm gonna hurt you." Vince looked at Tony in disgust before swiftly throwing the mop he had been holding at Tony's pink, rounded head.

"How exactly is he going to mop, he's got no legs or arms. He's only got those pink…um…" Tony rolled his wide eyes as he proudly shouted to Saboo.

"TENTACLES, they are called tentacles. For goodness sake you absolute jerk-off. Come on, can you hurry it along, I've left Mrs. Harrison on her own in the craft shop and their comin fitting some new counters today. Not to mention the fact that we're also trying a new brand of 2b pencil and I'm a little worried about the reactions. You see Saboo, what you don't get is that the other brand were highly loved by the people of London." Saboo paused and raised his eyes in agreement. Saboo wasn't one for agreeing with Tony, he'd always bring up the crunch, then he'd bring up how it would be a daytrip around the crunch in little groups…holding hands with you're partner but this time he had to agree that they were of a very high standard. Naboo, Bollo and Howard stepped off the magic carpet and entered the Nabootique.

"Vince, are you ok?" Vince had also gone inside and was now sat in a swivel chair with a cheek-to-cheek grin spread across his face. Howard was worried, last time he grinned that wide it was something really important to Vince, he'd just bought the new Garry Numan CD. Vince vas never the same…or at least not for eight weeks after; he had spoken in his sleep about Numan and how he wished he could meet him and play table tennis and read comics with him.

"Oh, alright Howard, what would you do if you're friend bought you the absolute best present in the history of presents?" Howard thought deeply about it and came to a conclusion to the situation

"Well Vince, I'd say thank you, write a letter formally thanking them as you would do…it's common courtesy…and I'd send them a leatherette bookmark and a trumpet as a thank you gift." Vince looked at Howard in deep confusion; Howard's shrimp-like eyes were all too serious for the answer he had just given to Vince. After a pause and a piercing silence, Vince decided he'd go and get some words of wisdom from Naboo the enigma.

"Naboo, I need some advice. I know what Howard has got me but I don't know whether to tell him I know or keep it secret. What should I do?" Naboo took a puff of his pipe and looked at Vince in dismay.

"I can't believe you. You must have followed us…I'm gonna have to turn my back on you now." As Bollo came into the room with a radio and a CD, he looked at Naboo sadly.

"Naboo, CD broke in two when I went to put it in slot. Can you turn you're back on him without it? I'll pop to Shamansbury's to get one. Back in a bit, put the kettle on for me later please."

"That ape is useless Vince I tell ya. Now, let me tell you the story of the boxer and the t shirt. One upon a time on the outskirts of Croydo…" Vince rolled his eyes and stood up quickly.

"Umm Naboo, actually I've got to go, put the kettle on for Bollo. Thanks though for the…umm…story or beginning of the story. By the way ya know that book of spells I borrowed for that competition, I kind of spilt tea on it and dropped a Yorkshire tea biscuit on it. Sorry."

"I can't trust you with anything. I'm really gonna have to turn my back on you now." As the music played, Bollo's head popped round the corner and he held up a CD case.

"Got it, sale £4.99 with bonus track of Shaman Antics volume two. Did you put kettle on?"

"No not yet, you didn't take long. Did you catch the bus by any chance… that one that goes at sixty miles per hour?" Bollo nodded proudly.

"Yes, Bollo took fast pass bus. It went at seventy miles per hour today. Oh Naboo, you miss the rush Bollo got through his hair. I go make cup of tea." As Bollo walked out of the door, Vince looked at Naboo, eyebrows knitted in confusion. Naboo now was staring at the corner with a picture of him, his mum and hid dad stood outside Shamsbury's super store in Croydon hung in a wooden frame on the wall. On the large four-poster bed was the CD case to Naboo's back turning music, Vince picked it up and glared at the back of it. In disappointment, he threw it back on the bed and tapped Naboo on the shoulder.

"Come on Naboo, sorry bout that." Vince sighed and continued. "Look Naboo, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you like that. Naboo?" Naboo turned around slowly and peered through his turban.

"Let that be a lesson to you. I'd ask Bollo for advice but if he starts talking about Rambollo, ignore him. He had seventy hash cakes before. Claimed he saw the devil and he tried to rip his heart out through his kn…"

"Knee caps we know. You've told us this story about ten, twelve, hundred times. Anyway, gotta dash. NME is on in about half an hour." Vince walked into the living room to find Bollo lied on the floor grasping the air and wailing.

"No, no Bollo like knee caps and heart. Please go away." Then he flopped his head down on the floor and fainted. Suddenly, Vince heard a sound coming from Howard's room. It sounded like a dying cat mixed with an old jazz record. He was about to go and investigate when the music abruptly stopped and Howard walked out into the living room.

"Hey Vince, you coming to the party tomorrow night? Everyone's going to be there. Even Lester Corncrake and his posse are making an appearance." Vince sat on the couch, narrowly avoiding Bollo's head on the floor with his feet.

"Howard, you hate parties and I don't want to be seen at a party with everyone there with you and Lester Cornflake in your man corsets."

"Well, it is a jazz party so you wouldn't really fit in Vince. Sorry." Howard spoke in a cynical way and made Vince feel uncomfortable. "If you want to come then it's on Saturday at 7:00 until 10:00. We jazz mavericks throw crazy parties ya know Vince. One night it was only 10:10 and we had finished one whole bottle of alcoholic ginger beer. Yep that's one whole bottle between three of us."

"Right, well how much was in the bottle to begin with."

"250ml. I know, crazy right but we are party animals at night Vince." Howard proclaimed proudly before taking the vacant seat next to Vince.

"Well umm Howard I dunno how to break this to you but it's my birthday party on Saturday and I was hoping that you'd be there. Even though last time it was a disaster, you're my best friend and I want you there. Oh and can you bring a bottle of maybe Jack Daniels or WKD, something like that, but not, I repeat not ginger beer okay? Good. See ya then Howard, I'm poppin in to TopGoth for my birthday outfit so I won't be back for a while." Howard thought deeply for a minute then decided he would skip his_ crazy _party to go to Vince's birthday party instead. Days passed and Saturday was finally here. Vice walked into the Nabootiue happily singing a rendition of bouncy, bouncy while fashioning his new outfit which he had bought from Topshop. He had been to TopGoth but didn't see much of interest.

"Alright Howard, have you given out my invites?" Howard looked up and smiled

"Yes I have. I invited an old mate of mine, hope you don't mind, he's called Old Gregg. Maybe you remember him Vince. He said he's painted you a water colour and bought you some baileys when we talked on the phone." Vince laughed and then sighed slowly.

"Howard, wasn't Old Gregg that sea monster thing that took a shine to you? Clearly he's got no taste. He fell for you after all." Howard frowned and then sat comfortably back in his chair.

"Vince, you were the one who kissed me on that rooftop on my birthday. Now you're calling Old Gregg for having no taste. Ha-ha how naive you are Vince." Vince yawned and then boldly stood up.

"Well I'm going for a shower, it'll take about 3, 4 hours to straighten then root-boost my hair so I have to have plenty of time. Oh if the caterers come, direct 'em to the kitchen and make them a brew. Then come tell me. See ya later Wesley Snipes."

"What do you mean Wesley Snipes ?" Vince sarcastically laughed before adding,

"I heard your dream last night Howard. Don't deny." Vince then swiftly moved to the bathroom and took a long, two hour shower. "Alright I'm done. Sorry I took so long but you don't take long right? I'm going to find my root-boost." Howard stormed into the room, his eyes burning with fury.

"Vince, where is my man's corset? Hmm?" Vince then explained that he'd accidentally thrown it out with some old scarves and said he'd replace it with a nice record or a t-shirt. "Well Vince I know your type, you'll get me a t-shirt in you're size won't you?" Vince disappeared into his room as a blast of hair spray shot out the door into Bollo's face.

"Bollo no like hairspray, it taste weird. I got to go to shop for wrapping paper. Bye Harold." Bollo walked out of the house and went to their local Woolworths to buy some cheap wrapping paper. Finally, Naboo walked out of his room holding a small golden gift bag.

"Hi Howard. Guess what I've got Vince." Howard shook his head and failed an attempt to look into the golden gift bag. "I've copied my 'Now that's what I call Shaman music 2000' CD and I have got him a picture of Philip so when he feels annoyed, he can look into Philip's eyes. Oh and I got him this didgeridoo." Howard wondered why he had bought him a didgeridoo and seemed to be jealous of his present. He had once had a picture of Philip and his little friend playing in a basket but all the excitement and happiness in his life was lost. It had been like that ever since he lost his picture of Phillip. Naboo wouldn't photocopy it because he didn't trust him. Vince walked into the living room in silence before inserting a Gary Numan CD into the music player and sitting on the black and white patterned sofa.

"Howard, you know how you had a double…Joyce. Well why couldn't Joyce go to the jazz party? I sent Trisha to the grand opening of the new Camden Topshop. They wanted me to go but I couldn't make it." Howard shook his head and ignored the question. He focused his eyes on the television screen which was picturing 'Jimmy's Food Factory' on BBC1. The front door bell rang and Vince went to answer it. It was the caterers. They needed to set up the buffet before the guests arrived at eight o'clock. "Alright, now I want some canapés, stuffed vine leaves, umm tacos and a selection of sandwiches. Now I've gotta go get changed so Howard will supervise. I'll leave you to it." At eight o'clock, the party had started and everyone was awaiting Vince's big entrance. Howard knew what would happen, he'd show him up like last time with a mind-blowing outfit and inspiring speech. Suddenly, Vince's bedroom door swung open and everyone started to cheer.

"People of Camden, friends, sea monsters, I have welcomed you. You shall enjoy my party, eat the meals I have prepared, drink the flirtinis I have made but most importantly, crank up the MUSIC!" As Vince finished his speech the music blasted out of the speakers.

"Oh alright Saboo how's you're weekend been?" Saboo looked down to see the one, the only Tony Harrison glaring up at him with a tentacle to tentacle grin on his face. "What do you think of those stuffed vine leaves? Ugh I tell ya. I wouldn't feed that to umm, never mind."

"You are a knob Tony."

"Oh am I now, better a knob than a… a berk. Yes, you are a berk deal with it."

"Oh right for some one who looks like a ball…" As the two argued, Old Gregg wandered aimlessly over to them. He offered them a glass of baileys then began to present to them his water colourings. After that, he swiftly pointed out his 'mangina' and followed Howard to the buffet table.

"Hiya Howard, do you remember me? I'm the one you stole the funk from. Where is the funk Howard? Oh that's right, I stole it back on a bus remember? Do ya love me? Hmm, do you love me? Are you playin you're love games with me…"

"Ok…Vince, presents?" Vince walked over to Howard and handed him his flirtini. He reached excitedly for the present of Howard and opened the golden ribbon on the top of the box.

"Oh, oh you shouldn't have. Really shouldn't have. Howard it's a cashmere pullover in you're size. I thought you were getting me that silver jacket. Not that I followed you or anything ya know. Ok, party's over I need to discuss a few things with Howard." Vince was fuming and as he looked at Howard, he gave him the pullover back and slumped down on the chair. "You could have just gotten me some Dorothy Perkins vouchers ya know. It's not much but no. I got you a bouncy castle last year but you couldn't get me one. Bollo, put the kettle on."

"Sorry Vince but I just thought of myself for once. Tell ya what, I'll take you to Lego Land next month ok?"

"Thanks Howard." Howard walked into the kitchen and looked at Bollo in deep thought. He knew Vince wasn't really upset but he'd always wanted to go to Lego Land. He smirked to himself and flicked the switch on the kettle, knowing that secretly they would be okay.

The End…

Well go on. Can't you see it's finished. Go on. What you flippin hangin round for. I wanna go to sleep, make a sandwich, look at a drawing of a some chickens. I'm the moon, the main moon, now go away c-crazy fools.


End file.
